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Just flushng out the emoitions for the day

 

I kind of  wonder why I hold back what I want to say, I guess cause of the fear I have that burdens me a lot of them time. I felt like I was getting better but then I kicked back down by something someone says or does. I shouldn’t let things that others bother me, but then again when affects you directly yeah.. It will bother you.

 

I know what is missing now and well kind of hard to focus right now. People just except me to always be this happy person fun to hang with willing to fall for them when they fall, but I don’t except that of others. I don’t expect anything of others because I don’t like setting myself up for disappointment. So why can’t other people stop laying out expectations for me or burdening me with pressure to forcefully make myself seem alright so they can stop hounding me if I am alright.

 

I want to find that one voice that will tell people just live their own life stop putting it off and living someone else’s. Should be easy for someone like me or that is what a lot of people would assume from me. I have the worse case of low self esteem, I have this scar that never goes away that once I have said something that has hurt me I get punished for telling them to stop and no one will leave you alone after words to sort out your own mess because they feel it’s their duty to suffer with you. I don’t like that concept sometimes it helps to have someone there to open up to others I feel like people should just leave me be for now I will find my voice and let you know when I am a little calmer.

 

Any ways.. work has been source of my dread each day, My family life with what is left of my family has been a dread cause of short comments like me being fat, or not spending enough time with them which I almost want to say you had a life time to know me why the fuck now do you want to know me? I dread people asking me why I am not married because I don’t like my personal life broadcast,  and I dread going to bed know tonight I will wake up in the middle of the night crying or just wanting to leave for a long time.

 

I have so many people that care and try to reach out but I don’t want to that right now. I just want to well I want to be able to figure this out on my own and find my voice. I want to find my own resolution to this, yeah sure some of yah might have some experience over me on this but how can I grow if I get told something and never see it myself? Ehh?

 

I think I would like to see if my hand burns or if I will find the answer.

 

The other thing that has been bugging me is the fact I think a lot people think I am this huge depressive beast that is hardly intelligent  and should be patted on the head and told that is nice dear or someone has this over tone of being condescending towards me cause I am lacking in that information but I ask questions and get shoved to the side. I might not be able to have the best verbal skills on the planet, but I am not a dumb ass.

Comments

( 16 comments — Leave a comment )
shower_of_light
Mar. 23rd, 2005 06:07 am (UTC)
take care
twilightfenix
Mar. 23rd, 2005 06:44 am (UTC)
I will be back .. ;)
tigerlady1974
Mar. 23rd, 2005 06:21 am (UTC)
Walking through darkness...
Is a purifying experience - even though it is painful. Find your own road in your own time, Dear.

Much Love,
-Tigerlady
twilightfenix
Mar. 23rd, 2005 06:44 am (UTC)
Re: Walking through darkness...
I think that is the best way to describe it.

Thank you
tigerlady1974
Mar. 23rd, 2005 06:52 am (UTC)
Re: Walking through darkness...
Yup - I've been there. Of course, I have a few years on ya, too...

Think of it like forging a sword. You are beaten & heated up and sharpened... at the end - you are a thing of beauty, strength, power, and either stand alone or lend strength to a person worthy of holding you.

-Tigerlady
xkookykrysx
Mar. 23rd, 2005 07:42 am (UTC)
You have a flame. You can light your way. I hope you find what you need to help you get to where you want to be.

*squish*
(Deleted comment)
snow_lynx
Mar. 23rd, 2005 08:14 am (UTC)
Well, Fortune's Children/White Company is cancelled tonight, so I will be around if you want alcohol (NOOOOOO ice cream this time!)

And we can talk about inane shit. ;)
twilightfenix
Mar. 23rd, 2005 08:34 am (UTC)
Yeah no ice cream.. I went to bed and woke up to some major cramps.. bleh..

*pokes* I was hoping to blow shit up .. BTW I need to talk to you and Mica and get some feed back from you guys
snow_lynx
Mar. 23rd, 2005 08:38 am (UTC)
Blowing shit up works :D

I'll email Greg and let him know, though he might work today/tonight. Worst case, can I give him your actual email address?
twilightfenix
Mar. 23rd, 2005 08:50 am (UTC)
Yeah sure that works ^_^
nick1983
Mar. 23rd, 2005 11:43 am (UTC)
:: just gives her a great big hug ::

When you have found your voice and find yourself wanting to talk to I'll be in the line of people ready and willing to hear whatever it is you got to say ^.^

Whose knows, maybe my number will be drawn form the line one of these day.

Whelp, im off to class. I'll be seeing you.
chorus_of_chaos
Mar. 23rd, 2005 08:26 pm (UTC)
OT, love that icon
nick1983
Mar. 25th, 2005 06:59 am (UTC)
ot?
chorus_of_chaos
Mar. 25th, 2005 07:06 am (UTC)
off topic
chorus_of_chaos
Mar. 23rd, 2005 08:25 pm (UTC)
I keep thinking to myself "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger"

Then I think "why the fuck can't I lift the Empire State Building then?"

38 years on this dirtball planet in June, and I don't have the answers...sometimes it's just take it a day at a time, at the end of the day, tell the world to kiss your ass, you survived it...

Hang in there.
( 16 comments — Leave a comment )