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Yeah people make them every day of their lives. And most give up their lives just to make it and insure they are not tangled in such a fix that could effect others. I refuse to do that to any one else like my family did to me for the longest time. And right now I am so depressed about things I don’t know what to do any more. I am giving up so much and I realized just now after viewing the TXU bill. It won’t be enough. So I am going to be looking on my free time off from work and look around for more work. What does this really mean for me? Well first off I wont be going over to my boy friend’s home for a long time which is more like home than the place I am paying rent to. I just don’t care if I am offending anyone at this point.

Most likely I won’t be able to hang at Scarborough faire like I would like too. A-kon? No I already committed myself to that and if I did make as a volunteer I will go.

Things that will be changing in the near future:

1) Talk with my roommate about a few things.
2) Giving up on a few hobbies.
3) My time will be spent on earning money and not sitting online posting but really working earning that extra bit of cash needed to make it
4) Of Coarse no more smoking. [: makes a face:]
5) No more sodas, more sweets and no more hoping on getting more slacks for work until I am moved out of this place.

I am sure there is more I will be giving up. I was in tears on the phone this night when I got home explaining to Goth boy I would most likely not see him for some time and I apologized a great deal for everything. He asked me if there was anything he could do I told him this is something I need to do on my own.

You guys think I like this life style of drama and stress? Or getting myself in binds where it causes me to grind my teeth at night? No that’s not me.. I might be proud to proud but I won’t give up and I will prove the odds wrong that I can make it. And for once I am just going to have the face the facts you can’t always be nice about things, just have to bare it and be honest with myself and to those around me.

Do I feel horrid about a few things? Yeah actually I do.. I feel that I let a lot of people down especially myself. Some of my friends I only see online will have to be victims of my stupidity. Some have already expressed their concern support and what not about the situation. Thank you to those that have been really supportive toward my stupid actions and continually being supportive. The rest that have been nothing but an ass and pain to me? Don’t let the door hit you to hard on the way out of my life.


( 8 comments — Leave a comment )
Jan. 6th, 2003 07:56 pm (UTC)
I know you need to do this on your own (and I know how that feels, being similarly afflicted with massive amounts of independence), and I know I've told you this (and you know it from years of experience by now). But I just wanted to make sure you hear in writing that, first of all, you aren't stupid, and second of all, please please please please call me any time day or night if you need ANYTHING, even if it's just to yell at, or yell with, or laugh, or you had a weird dream, or was wondering if I did, or need a drink, or need to hit an IHOP in the middle of the night and can't pick up the tab yourself, anything. Even if it's to pick up the phone and say, "Suzy, shut the hell up already! I'll call when I need you, all right? Yeesh!"

Oh, and there's also a sore, snowboarding-success-story Foxy who wants to help, too. You have a support network.
Jan. 7th, 2003 05:00 am (UTC)
yup I know you are there hun. But I am going to be fine. After laying there last night in bed waiting for myself to sleep I smiled and realized yup so what if I Am giving up alot once I am caught up I can relax and enjoy things. And prove to myself that everything will always be alright.

Let's just say a birdie told me so ;)
love Phoenix
Jan. 7th, 2003 10:01 am (UTC)
Ditto, girl. And I'm only across the hall. :)
(Deleted comment)
Jan. 7th, 2003 09:52 am (UTC)
Re: Hrm...
:: huggles od DOOM!:: I soo MISS YOU !!!! ARGHH!! I need a hugg from you!!!
Jan. 7th, 2003 09:39 am (UTC)
Dear Stephers...
You haven't let anyone down... and you are not stupid & their are no "victims of your stupidity"... don't be so hard on yourself, woman!!! We all have moments where we don't shine quite as brightly as we would have liked, or said something we reqret, we are only human! You are very loved! Whatever we can all do to assist - you tell us! I would gladly pay your way into a movie or for coffee - or whatever so that you can still hang out with the group & not avoid it because you're short the $5 you might need!!!! You can be my platonic friend date to stuff... just lemmee know!

Don't know if you've considered it or not, but have you tried marketing some of your artwork??? I know someone who is needing NICE clipart, but I'm not sure how much they'll pay - that would probably take less time & be more rewarding to you.... lemmee know, Hon.

-Tigerlady :-)
Jan. 7th, 2003 10:01 am (UTC)
Re: Dear Stephers...
Thanks, But seriously this was my Own stupid mistake.. Very much of a bad call on my part..
Jan. 7th, 2003 12:20 pm (UTC)
Re: Dear Stephers...
What was the "bad call"???? Email me privately if ya want....

Besides, we all make mistakes - if we didn't - we would learn NOTHING!!!! Take what knowledge you've gained & move forward.

Hang in there, Dear Heart!!!! Phoenix rise from the ashes!!!! :-)

Jan. 7th, 2003 04:07 pm (UTC)
"O Phoenix, Rise From the Ashes And Start Again"
Love you, LOTS!!!

If you need *ANYTHING* (and I mean it!!!) let me know! :~D

~~Kt3 Really Wants to Help...Whether You Like It Or Not *EVIL GRIN*~~
( 8 comments — Leave a comment )