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I guess lately I have been really frustrated at a lot of things happening and I feel so out of touch and not having control over a few things that are elements in this frustration, but I am getting there. We all have are ups and downs in life. And lately I just haven’t been me and I don’t see why I have to explain myself to everyone every time I am invited to a event or someone wants to talk to me. I don’t even know what most times I feel like I need to blame myself with things go bad but I do cause I was raised to believe that no matter what You are the adult and need to take responsibility for actions that effect even when the parties involved are not taking the lack of judgment on their part to react accordingly to the situation, but make up excuses and blame something or some one else for their own actions. And I don’t mean to make myself seem like a drama queen but I just sick of having to repeat my self on everything over and over and result is, oh I forgot or I just assumed.

If any one here knows me by now I hate drama, personally I like just to do random fun things when I can or just chill in peace. I have my own set of standards and I try very hard to adapt them to everyone else life style so I am not crossing a line. And I have seen others do the same and actually change. I suppose that is what you call cause and effect?

When you do get older it doesn’t get any easier and some how we get so complicated with situations and more layers on to our lives it’s no wonder we drink, smoke or lose sleep.

I guess what sparked me in writing this is a few things that happen going on building up in my life and last night was the straw that broke the camels back. I don’t like talking about my issues with my boy friend any more cause of the fact who needs the stress? And also just that every time I do talk to him he plays devils and this isn’t a bad thing is I am in the right mind frame, but when you have others wagging their fingers at you and saying a around about way most of your issues are your fault. And I am really am trying my best to correct them if they are mine, but what the fuck? DO I have to ask to wipe my ass and to take a breath once in a while so I can live?

He basically confronted me and asked me what was wrong. While by this time I was hungry, cold and tired, not the best combination to be when being confronted with a question like that. Then confronted me by saying I acting shy and defensive. Right then I wanted to just crumble and tell him everything, but my walls came up and this proud nature took over and just said I am cold and tired. He offered to fix dinner but it was too late to eat. Rule with me is I can’t eat and go to bed that is really bad for yah.

He looked concern and I just wanted to hide some where and brood cause I could just up and tell him cause I am so SICK of holding it all in but what else can I do?

Yeah one solution is to face my few major issues head on and confront them, but I have done that with one and that just crashed and burn. The other I am still working on. Only a hand full of people know most of my issues right now, but no one really knows all my stress and depression.

To protect others from my sorrow and anguish all I do is hold it back inside. Hoping I can find time to think about it and aim for a reasonable solution. I am starting to lose that faith that reasonable is going to happen. And I already gave up on a fair solution cause no matter what I will have to sacrifice something. But so does everyone when facing his or her demons.

I Am not saying I am the only one going through hell here and I not saying I want attention just please stop asking if I am okay when I have already confirmed my mood and don’t ask my boy friend, like the hell he is my keeper or has a better clue about any of my situation. Sure maybe you are concern but maybe I just don’t want to talk about it right then and there? Maybe I want to do this on my own and try to find out what the hell is wrong with me? GAH!

And of coarse I am sure someone will take offense in this post or wants to point out this all about them. But you know I am in that bitch mood so all I am going to say about that is Get over your self.

And for others that care about me and are concerned, I am not saying stop caring and I am saying stop being concern hell I know for a fact no one can stop that. And no one can make a person do something against their will so have a little faith like I am having that I will get through this with or without a mess on my hands.

And on a better note..

I am happy to hear about my family members Vail and Omen, It’s nice to know I will be an Aunt soon ::grins:: And I am debating on just up and traveling to Jacksonville to see them as well. :: marks it down ::

I say why the hell not.

I am happy with other parts of my life and just miss my friends I hardly see and just wish they could come over and hang with me. I got a reply back from my old Boss Fowler, He so totally rocks! And Turns out Hell’s Angel has been dating. I say Gawd damn! Welp I have been god about not smoking. Goth boy handed me coupons to buy a carton even after I told him a quit and yeah sure I smoked a few randomly but all together I haven’t bought any nor have smoked on the average of 2 a week now. :shrugs: I haven’t smoked in social gatherings nor at home in a week now. So I thin I am doing pretty good.


( 5 comments — Leave a comment )
Jan. 17th, 2003 12:14 pm (UTC)
Good for you...
Try not to pent up too much emotion... that is as unhealthy as eating right before bed... I used to cry in the shower to purge some of my emotions that I couldn't share with anyone. Unfortunately, in a marriage - I should have been able to show ~everything~ to my S.O.... but couldn't - that lack of trust/sharing did contribute to the breakdown of my marriage... so do try to keep open communication between you & your S.O.

Congrats on not smoking - it's one of the hardest addictions to break! We're proud of you. Hang in there... we're here when you need us. Just ask.

Jan. 17th, 2003 12:27 pm (UTC)
Re: Good for you...
It's not that I dont trust my S.O.
It's just I dont want to add Stress into his life and since some one choose to add an element in this situation I have yet to feel confortable about talking about any issue with having myself look like a total Beeeoch..
Jan. 17th, 2003 12:39 pm (UTC)
Re: Good for you...
Hon, I hate to say it, but your S.O. will figure out that we can ALL be a beeeoch sometimes & he'll feel more needed/more connected to you if you do dump your emotions/stresses on him. I suggest you tell him at the beginning of the conversation that you DON'T want him to play "devil's advocate" that you just want him to listen and let you purge it... I'm sure he'll do his best - because he DOES love you & I know you Love him too.

Hang in there, Sweetness!!!! It will all work out - just walking thru all the "broken glass" and entanglements sucks... but it's really nice on the other side of the hill (it's just a long walk sometimes!).

Hope to see you soon. If you ever want to just have someone to gripe too over coffee or something - you know I am a very understanding person & confidential info stays put when it is shared with me.

-Your Friend, A.B.
Jan. 17th, 2003 12:20 pm (UTC)
well.. ya know...
I know ya don't know me well but I'm about the most non-judgemental person you'll meet.

I'm here as a friend and shoulder so give a holler sometime! Let's hang! =)

Oh, and congrats on the non smoking thing! That's great!
Jan. 17th, 2003 12:42 pm (UTC)
Re: well.. ya know...
Thanks hun =D
( 5 comments — Leave a comment )