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Flushing out.. the bad...

I feel rather closed off right now. Something inside me is in rage and I wish I knew what it was exactly. Some many things have happened to me of late that it’s building up little by little. I guess it all the stress I have and most of it I tried to vocally express. But I don’t want to always be a negative person around others and there really isn’t a one person I can talk about all of this.

I don’t know anymore, people always tease me of either being skinny or when do I gain weight people point it out to me. There is never a stop to it and sometimes I just feel like screaming. I mean all I want is to be in shape so that I can play and do the stuff I like.

Then there is one guy that has told me I am not loud enough at faire. I have worked so hard this year to have a really bold char. And the same jerk that keeps walking all over me. Then when I have people trying to help me they keep saying go do your bite. I just don’t work that way sometimes. I am thinking of walking the lanes on my own and see what happens.

The relationship so far is all right. I am still having mixed feelings over everything. I know he doesn’t mean it and He already told me he was sorry for the actions that took place with badger girl [I still want to kick her ass]. I just can’t let go that someone I really trust has hurt me. I am sure I will get over it sooner or later. Just wish I wasn’t treated like that.

Everyone thinks I am so strong and I can always handle myself. And there for I do not get a lot of attention as I would like and it’s simple things I like, hugs, a squeeze of the hand, Hey how are you?

I don’t know I guess everyone is just too busy to notice those details in life make you feel better. And when I try to go up to people they just walk past me and start talking to other people. And I can’t help right then and there feeling what did I do wrong?

I hardly get complemented on accomplishments. I get corrected or this is how you could have approached it. But I got it done and there you have it. Some people come up and say, Well you lane bit is too long. I ask them did the patron looked annoyed? They will say no. They looked entertained? The next reply is a yes. THEN HOW IS IT LONG IF I HAVE ENTERTAINED THEM FOR A FEW MINS!


Or one of my favorites I love to hear. “ Darling you just can’t write.” What the hell? I am not a creative writer; I am trying everyday to improve myself. I don’t go around and say, “ You suck at drawing!” No I don’t I say anyone can draw with skill and talent with some practice.

I can’t help it right now I am just flushing everything out right now. I can afford to show anyone at work I have low self-esteem or that I am stressing out. I have it be positive at work so everyone will have something to be happy about. Cause in a few months we will all be hanging over the ledge to find out if we have a job or not.

At least work no one can take claim to my work and say it’s their own idea.

Comments

( 6 comments — Leave a comment )
kymberlynn
May. 14th, 2002 07:35 am (UTC)
Strong Women
Sometimes people forget that do-it-yourself-women need love too. I havent known you long, but you do seem to be a very strong woman dear. That can make it hard for people to see when you need them. Never be afraid to ask, I have to when I want it or no one would ever know. If you need to go have a margarita and bitch session lemme know hon ok?

twilightfenix
May. 14th, 2002 08:49 am (UTC)
Re: Strong Women
I think I will take you up on that offer heh.. nothing like a good session with a margarita in hand :: sheepish grin::
kymberlynn
May. 14th, 2002 08:58 am (UTC)
Re: Strong Women
No problem honey whenever you want! Lets play hoops again this weekend I liked that!
twilightfenix
May. 14th, 2002 09:04 am (UTC)
Re: Strong Women
You are on.. :::grins:: I love that game!!!
xkookykrysx
May. 14th, 2002 08:38 am (UTC)
just a point
I love you Stephers! I'm sorry for offering any unwanted critism on your lane bits, and making skinny remarks. I guess I'm jealous of your beauty - seriously. I have to call to pick at you, and I'm truly sorry.

Remember - "This too, shall pass." I have known you for a long time, and think I can safely say that you will bounce back even stronger than before. I'm doubling Kymberlyn's offer - but I offer Tequila shots (lots) as well. ;)

- yer sis (and partner in crime)
twilightfenix
May. 14th, 2002 08:52 am (UTC)
Re: just a point
Are you sure you guys are not trying to get me drunk to get discrimating pictures.. ;)

Thanks Krys, It's just getting to be a long faire season this year. And the more I do the more I get hit back with.. Odd how that works. Oh well .. I love yah hun and you are my sister ;)

Beauty? Well thank you.. I Am still trying to see that inside me.. but you know what they say you are your own worse critic.. bleh :: huggles::
( 6 comments — Leave a comment )