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This morning I woke up and felt pretty good about everything around me. I had my man in the bed with me and its Friday! I got some more sleep with Fabbboo dreams. But I am a little down at the same time; I found out from him that he will be gone again on Monday. I can’t help feel a little selfish and say no no no, but it’s his job and I really shouldn’t be selfish I should be happy he has a job that pays him.

But something else has been bothering me lately. I have a lot of cool friends each have their issues and challenges to face. There are sometimes I feel like I have my hands tied or I am not doing enough for them, I feel so tried lately but I am pushing myself again. Something inside me is pushing me to just keep going on.

And now I am finding things I have been holding back for so long are starting pushing up again. It kind of sucks cause I am just the type of person that just pushed their emotions to the side because I just don’t like sharing them any more. I don’t know it it’s cause I get the feeling sometime of being brushed to the side, or the one comment I got a long time ago when I exploded and was trying to let it all out “It’s seems all you have to say is negative stuff.”

I know you remember the negatives more than the positives, but I refuse to be made a fucking victim so I hardly want to mess with it any more. I hate the fact that sometimes when I do sleep I wake up crying cause I have some emotional pain that I held back for so long leek out. I don’t even like the fact that I have people asking me what is wrong I don’t want to say anything cause I don’t want them to be concerned with it. But when I do need someone to ask me what is wrong they don’t any more. Funny how that works, you can be your own worse enemy.

I even find talking to my mother isn’t helping me any more. All I think about doing now of days is drawing and working on the shadow Phoenix clan more which I have a lot information I need to upload to the group. I know life isn’t easy and I know I should it bottle my emotions up but just knowing is not enough to do it.


( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
Mar. 7th, 2004 08:41 pm (UTC)

I wish we could talk again. :\
Mar. 10th, 2004 10:19 am (UTC)
I am sure we will once things calm down gah .. so many things today and friends to talk to not enough time heh
Mar. 19th, 2004 08:33 pm (UTC)
I still want to try to meet up with you one of the next few times I come into town. I need to solidify what I'm doing... perhaps, if you're not too tired after workshops or faire, you, me, and our boys could go out on a date... :)
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )