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my thoughts now..

Last night I got home from work feeling drained and emotional fatigued. I went on line to wait for a friend to show up, but no one did so I thought I would be productive and kill giants so I can learn the language to prepare for the other HQ I plan to get. I started to feel more drained over an hour on the computer so I crashed hard being grumpy and not wanting to deal with conversation.

I had a flash back dream that had before it was one that I never wrote down or shared cause it still confuses me and kind of feels uncomfortable for me to even begin talking about in detail. Mind you nothing bad happens in the dream just well it’s like I just want to forget so badly. I really don’t know why it seems to be a really nice dream too.

I think it’s either late spring or early fall it’s kind of hard to tell but the grass is still green and it’s night time. It seems like a small farm kind of home or one of those old island homes. It’s a white house looks freshly painted with a screened porch. There are people all over the place talking and laughing, I think there is music but I am so distracted by everything else it’s hard to remember. It must be a picnic or something because I saw a long table with a lot of food on it. And there was streamer of lights white basket lights every where.

I finally found a nice secluded spot to sit down and watch the fire flies out in the near by meadow, I can remember I didn’t have any shoes or socks on and I was wiggling my toes in the grass. It felt good, I just wanted to sit there and make it last as long as I could endure it. I felt sadness though like I knew something was going to happen and I had no control over it almost a pain I could not bare.

Then someone sat next to me and offered me a share of their cookie and wrapped an arm around me so I lean on them. This is when I realized I was just a little kid in this dream.

I woke up frustrated and crying. I tend to wake up like sometimes just crying for no reason. I really need to find all the stuff that is bothering me and let it out. I don’t think it’s right to wake up to tears, doesn’t seem like a good way to start to the day.

But any ways I am at work now and I feel kind of lonely, which I am sure a lot of you are confused. How can someone like me be lonely? I always have someone around but this loneliness is just something I always had. It’s that one piece of me that I tucked away and hid so I would never get hurt again and now that I think I feel safe enough to open that box up.. I can’t find it.

Sucks.. but it happens sometimes.


( 9 comments — Leave a comment )
Jun. 30th, 2005 12:05 pm (UTC)
I don't think it is bad to wake up crying. Good expression. Could be all bottled up and never let it out.

Huggles Stephers I hope you are ok. You will find your box soon. It is just being a little mischevious just like you can be at times.
Jun. 30th, 2005 12:10 pm (UTC)
lol thanks *hugs*
Jun. 30th, 2005 12:24 pm (UTC)

I don't know how much it will make you feel better, but Heath and I can't wait to see you this weekend. :D
Jun. 30th, 2005 12:38 pm (UTC)
I am looking forward to this weekend
Jun. 30th, 2005 07:13 pm (UTC)
No, I completely understand the loneliness thing. I've been at a party, surrounded by over a hundred people, and felt like I was completely alone. It's an incredibly sucky feeling.

And I've suddenly come to the realization that I don't feel like waiting 'til your party in July to see you. What're you doing Thursday night? I get off at 6:30pm. Feel like meeting up?
Jun. 30th, 2005 07:28 pm (UTC)
Uhh.. You do realize I work until 11 PM now? 0.o
Jun. 30th, 2005 07:52 pm (UTC)

What are you doing Saturday?
Jun. 30th, 2005 07:57 pm (UTC)
Going to Houston =/

PG is one Busy little Bird =(
Jul. 1st, 2005 05:54 am (UTC)
my friend, I can completely understand what you are going through...even though i feel comfortable and at home with the SAPA folks, and all of the friends I have made there...there are times when we are all gathered together for different little events, and i feel marooned on a deserted island. As far as your party goes, i can not be on the net to back track far enough to get to the info...Could you please resend it to me, either at dannydamonkeyboy at yahoo dot com or call me 214-394-2090 after 4 p.m.? I plan on showing to as many of the parties as I can that night and finishing off at yours. PLJH my friend and I will see you soon.
( 9 comments — Leave a comment )