So yeah, my accomplishment seems small lately but to me they feel like victories to me. I can not wait to have some time off for my birthday and chill for a little while no on asking me to do them favors of do errands just me relaxing and finally some time to myself. No crowds just those I like to be around.
My mom seems excited to spend time with me on my birthday and that makes feel needed and not used. I like that feeling a lot more than being used for other things that honestly I can not lend out a lot of at the moment.
To be honest I am very emotional tired and frustrated I hate having this burden on my back and this un-gratifying feeling in my heart. You can lend so much out before you just get stretched so thin and really being able to chill and relax in privacy, not having drama or stress come up is rather nice.
It’s nice to feel my age of experience and no older than I normally do feel cause I am always watching out for someone else catering to someone else’s needs, emotions or what ever it is. Yes I am normally willing to give up a lot but there is so much give you can do before you have nothing to give and you just a faint ghost of the person you used to be cause of the energy you have lent out. I know a lot of you feel that way.
I find it that most us burn so bright that we are the beckons that people look for when they lost in the hopeless darkness of the world and cling on to us like rats on a rock after the ship sinks. I hate seeing people crushed from the dishonest, un loyal and contrived bullshit that happens and I want to defend and protect. But those long harsh vigils of spirits need to be replenished with more hope and rest so I can be what Lys fondly calls me Sparky [I still love that nick name thank you].
I am very blessed to have some many friends I can count on and fortunate to have found my foster family when I did. I thank you for opening your hearts and arms to me and seeking out a enslaved soul in the barriers of stone walls. Thank you for being patient when I am stubborn and slapping hands away cause I want to learn on my own and have my own scraps to understand the reasoning behind it. And never think for once I will take any of you for granted cause each of you is a treasure that completes my very being and I hope one day I can show you in some way how much that means to me.